Thursday, November 30, 2017

It’s always there

   I had an oncology appointment today. It was my first since July. When I was seeing Oncology at Kaiser Permanente, my labs were drawn every month. Since changing insurance companies and moving to Providence Cancer Center in Portland Oregon that is no longer the case. The last time my labs were drawn was July19th. The stress of having a PSA draw every month used to bother me. I always thought it would be great to have the test less often. Now I’m not so sure. Having so much time between tests is great however it can be a double edge sword. On one hand, it’s nice not having to worry about having labs drawn and in some regards being able to forget about cancer for a while but on the other hand with so much time between lab tests, changes can occur on a larger scale. It can be nerve racking. Having lab tests monthly also brought peace of mind. Yes, I always had one day a month that was stressful but it was also monthly confirmation that I was doing well in the fight. 
   Time between visits open the door for the head games I am prone to play with myself. Every little pain or change causes me to wonder if the cancer is returning. Is the cough I have developed signaling the return of lung metastasis? “No dummy, it is the same cough every other person in the Northwest has!” Is the discomfort in the back of my legs caused by a tumor growing? “No, you hiked a mountain yesterday and don’t forget the hundreds of stairs you ascend at work each day!” It never ends! No matter how well I do in the fight there is always those negative voices whispering doubt. 
 



   Oddly enough, I don’t fear the return of cancer. I have many more bullets in the gun to combat this disease albeit many of the ones exhibiting mild to moderate side effects have been used. 
 


I have yet to be on Xtandi or any of the chemotherapies. It is simply a matter of wondering when I will be forced to take the next step. I have now been on Zytiga for 50 months. It is my understanding that I am among a handful of guys who have been on the medication this long. When the drug fails to work at some future date it may bring with it a new set of challenges. Zytiga works by shutting down the adrenal gland. In addition to adrenaline, the gland produces natural steroids and residual testosterone. A friend of mine failed Zytiga after 42 months. His adrenal gland never did start working again. It can be a messy transition.
  My check up went great. Lungs clear, no lymph enlargement, no leg swelling, and other than my red cell count and potassium level being at the low end of the scale, all my blood tests were field goals. Oh,..... My PSA test showed no change. It is still holding steady at less than 0.01. I guess my subconscious mind can rest for another 3 months. Now I can focus on the finer things that winter has to offer.



   To all my friends, family, and those who are kind enough to read my blog, go with God as you understand him to be and have a joyful holiday season. Todd

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

What's new in the life of Todd

Frankly, not much. 
    I get my first colonoscopy next Monday. " looking forward to that!"
     I went on my annual elk hunting trip last week. The elk won. I have never had a more miserable time. 2 years ago I took my son up to camp. He was 30 years old at the time. The group that I hunt with got 2 elk. There are about 8 of us that hunt. My son and I were not even there for the second one. I had to fly to Atlanta so he went home. He and I hunted only 5 of 12 days. When we divided the meat up, my son and I each got 5 packages of steak, a roast, and 9 packages of burger. Apparently that wasn't enough. Last year he hunted by himself. He got nothing. This year he hunted and camped by himself and once again he got skunked. I would have liked to have him stay and hunt with us but he didn't want to. He didn't want to split the meat. The trouble is that although he didn't hunt with us he hunted the various areas that we showed him. He hunted the areas we usually hunt. I learned a long time ago that if someone takes you to their favorite fishing hole or hunting spot, you don't go to those places unless you are with them. I confronted him on his lack of sportsmanship and respect,  ( I could have used better words ) I compared his deeds with a guest whom once invited into your home kicks your dog, drinks your best whiskey, and sleeps with your wife. It was a crude metafore but that's all it was. A simple comparison. It didn't go over well. He won't speak to me and said his "Step Dad " was the parent  who was there for him and not me. He is kind of correct in some ways but in my defense his step dad was full time and I was part time. Life is complicated in blended families. It does make sense though. His Step Dad is a jerk too!
   Yeah, I know..... this has nothing to do with cancer. Well, my blog is not about cancer, it is about Living and sometimes living sucks. 
   I was  a part time dad to 3 of my Kids. I have been a full time dad to my 19 year old Step-Daughter. "God I hate that word" I am only using it for clarification. If you Marry a woman who has children, you are a dad. 
Neither of my sons has anything to do with me. I asked my daughter if I was a bad dad. She said I am a wonderful dad. To clarify I am a wonderful dad now. I missed the mark quite often in my younger days. My 19 year old daughter said the same.
   Two days ago a kid from our small community killed himself. He was gay and had a dad that didn't understand.
   Are we ruining our young men?. Does every generation go through this?  
   I use to think my long term remission was a 2nd chance to make things right with my boys. The way things are going, I better live a long time. 
   I know I made mistakes when I was younger. Why do people always feel the need to revisit the past. Can't we just live for today. 
   I don't know what to do. I tried to apologize but I think he has blocked my number. He also unfriended me! WTH! Is that what it is all about now. Oh no.... I am Unfriended. Whatever.
I think my mood for today is bitter. 
   My daughter comes home from Texas in a couple days. It's going to be a good weekend.
   I hope my son gets over it. He is a smart kid. My other son may never pull his head out of his butt. I shouldn't say never though. After all, I am living proof of miracles.